This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
