"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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