She said her name was "party"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
