i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i think i have two assholes
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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