if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
