just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
