I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sorry my hands just texted you
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
