You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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