It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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