My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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