I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
