This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
