party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
