I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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