ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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