Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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