"it" just moved
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
