anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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