i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Operation Purity has been aborted
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
