Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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