I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
