he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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