Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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