i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Randomize
