i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you remember whose house we're in?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
