I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
