You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
