I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
