My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
