I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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