dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
