My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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