You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
