conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize