shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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