I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
