I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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