you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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