I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
