and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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