i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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