First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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