I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
