Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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