My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
