my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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