The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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