ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
