I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
