i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
