This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
