I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
