I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
