Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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