She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize