he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
