if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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