I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
