The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
