I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
