Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
