I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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