Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
