im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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