Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
