I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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