my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
