Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
