If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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