Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Randomize