she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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