No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
this is an emotional support booty call
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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