I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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